Thursday, January 22, 2004
Heart based depression
So here's the tricky thing. Usually my heart is my safe zone. If I'm getting led into fear or anxiety it comes through my head, through focusing on the past or the future. And there are definite words. Like, 'oh crap, this is going to happen and it's really really going to hurt'. Or, 'ooo that was bad, they really hurt you, they are so wrong'.
Here's the icky thing.
There are no words, there is no being focused in the future or the past, there is only a soft profound sadness. Sadness that is sticking to my form like a film. I can see where the phrase 'shake it off' came from. It feels like something coming out of my heart and then spreading like a film over my body.
hmm.. I wonder if this is where the instruction for the mind to rule the heart comes from in Judaism.
The only times my heart feels sad for an extended time is when there is a torah event happening, like the 9th of Av or Yom Kippor.
The icky fear things is... 'maybe there is a reason for my heart which is connected to my soul to be feeling profound sadness'. Maybe there is something happening that my 'mind' does not know about. That thought makes the loop for ongoing sadness. It would be so much easier to understand what's happening if I was to ascend another couple of steps up the ladder. Perhaps that's what I should keep asking for.
I know everyone has their thing. Aime withdrew from a contrary world of her birth until she attained divine consciousness as a representative of the goddess on earth. Eckhart had his night of profound dissatisfaction and committed ego suicide. Humans have their facing of the 'dark night of the soul' on their way to rebirth. Ok, ok, so I get it. However... when I was told that I had this Chiron mission, this Wounded Healer, I went 'crap'. I realize there is a part of me that said, 'sure, I can handle going through a bunch of shit and bringing my consciousness back up to help others going through those situations', however, I would like to tell that part of myself to knock it off.
Here's the icky thing.
There are no words, there is no being focused in the future or the past, there is only a soft profound sadness. Sadness that is sticking to my form like a film. I can see where the phrase 'shake it off' came from. It feels like something coming out of my heart and then spreading like a film over my body.
hmm.. I wonder if this is where the instruction for the mind to rule the heart comes from in Judaism.
The only times my heart feels sad for an extended time is when there is a torah event happening, like the 9th of Av or Yom Kippor.
The icky fear things is... 'maybe there is a reason for my heart which is connected to my soul to be feeling profound sadness'. Maybe there is something happening that my 'mind' does not know about. That thought makes the loop for ongoing sadness. It would be so much easier to understand what's happening if I was to ascend another couple of steps up the ladder. Perhaps that's what I should keep asking for.
I know everyone has their thing. Aime withdrew from a contrary world of her birth until she attained divine consciousness as a representative of the goddess on earth. Eckhart had his night of profound dissatisfaction and committed ego suicide. Humans have their facing of the 'dark night of the soul' on their way to rebirth. Ok, ok, so I get it. However... when I was told that I had this Chiron mission, this Wounded Healer, I went 'crap'. I realize there is a part of me that said, 'sure, I can handle going through a bunch of shit and bringing my consciousness back up to help others going through those situations', however, I would like to tell that part of myself to knock it off.
