Mystic musings

So here's the tricky thing. Usually my heart is my safe zone. If I'm getting led into fear or anxiety it comes through my head, through focusing on the past or the future. And there are definite words. Like, 'oh crap, this is going to happen and it's really really going to hurt'. Or, 'ooo that was bad, they really hurt you, they are so wrong'.

Here's the icky thing.

There are no words, there is no being focused in the future or the past, there is only a soft profound sadness. Sadness that is sticking to my form like a film. I can see where the phrase 'shake it off' came from. It feels like something coming out of my heart and then spreading like a film over my body.

hmm.. I wonder if this is where the instruction for the mind to rule the heart comes from in Judaism.

The only times my heart feels sad for an extended time is when there is a torah event happening, like the 9th of Av or Yom Kippor.

The icky fear things is... 'maybe there is a reason for my heart which is connected to my soul to be feeling profound sadness'. Maybe there is something happening that my 'mind' does not know about. That thought makes the loop for ongoing sadness. It would be so much easier to understand what's happening if I was to ascend another couple of steps up the ladder. Perhaps that's what I should keep asking for.

I know everyone has their thing. Aime withdrew from a contrary world of her birth until she attained divine consciousness as a representative of the goddess on earth. Eckhart had his night of profound dissatisfaction and committed ego suicide. Humans have their facing of the 'dark night of the soul' on their way to rebirth. Ok, ok, so I get it. However... when I was told that I had this Chiron mission, this Wounded Healer, I went 'crap'. I realize there is a part of me that said, 'sure, I can handle going through a bunch of shit and bringing my consciousness back up to help others going through those situations', however, I would like to tell that part of myself to knock it off.

One of the indicators of heaven is synchronicity. This just arrived in my email.

B"H

28 Tevet, 5764 * January 22, 2004

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C H A S S I D I C S T O R Y
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A Short Story about a Long Life
By: Gutman Locks
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The man was totally depressed.

He was standing by the side of the road speaking through the open window of my car. His wife had left him. He had no job. Each day was a burden, and worse yet, he was a burden to the world. In his words, he was "totally useless."

I tried to cheer him up with some words of hope, but he was firm in his belief. I left him with some optimistic thought and darted into a U-turn, happy to go on to something more cheerful.

Suddenly he screamed, "Stop!" I slammed on the brakes just in time to see an extremely fast moving car whiz by. I said to him: "If you hadn't called out, I would have been dead now. A few seconds ago you felt useless without purpose, and now you have saved my life! From this moment on, every good deed I do will also be credited to your account." His face lit up, as the many months of depression fell away.

There is a dawn, and even the darkest nights do pass. No one knows what the next moment holds and to deny hope is to deny the constantly demonstrated fact that, "This too will pass."


- Excerpted from "There is One" by Gutman Locks.

Copyright © Chabad.org, 2004

Woke up lethargic. Sad about mom's news on the cancer. I do not want her to die. Feels like I'm channeling depression. Sadness and tears flowing from my heart.

Depression is flowing from my heart and enveloping my beingness.

I think once a person has suffered from deep life threatening depression, it is as if the depression has left a marker in their being. It's like a complete clothing suit, all ready cut and fitted, ready to wear.

The thing is, to recognize it and immediately begin using the tools to release it.

One tool is to face the fear voice. To that end, I called my mother to find her in an upbeat mood.

Another tool is to take care of the body. To that end, I made breakfast and took my supplements.

Another tool is laughter. To that end, I watched the Ellen DeGeneres talk show, via TiVo interface.

Another tool is play. To that end, I've been playing with Spring, my cat.

Another tool is exercise. Ok.. haven't done it yet, however, once I finish this I'm going for a run.

I already know that depression is deadly. I've already stood on the precipice of suicide. I know depression is something I cannot indulge/linger in.

Using Eckhart Tolle's concepts of Pain Bodies, depression is a pain body that has kicked my ass before and looks for an opening to play it's symphony on my soul. To drain the life from me and leave me a shell.

Depression is like an addiction to alcohol. An alcoholic can't play around with drinking. As an alcoholic I know that to be true.

After eating, laughing, and playing I'm feeling much better. Amazing, Ellen really is putting out the love and joy. While watching her show, my love field kicked right in, and I felt the joy rush. She's doing good work.

Abidharma theory is so right on.

Heaven is constantly happening. Things come into form/existence, they go out of form/existence.

Revealing Heaven is choosing heaven at all times. It is always there.

It's like being at a smorgas board, just make the best choice for the best experience at all times. If they run out of roast beef, enjoy the smoked turkey.

You cannot cling to form. The world of form is temporary.
That is both it's blessing and it's curse.

Talked with mom on the phone to see if she had any news on my brother. Seemed she had her own news. Doc said the cancer is back, she said she didn't want to operate again, so he gave her only a few months. Asked her to talk with her surgeon at Rochester Mayo, (the people at Rochester are light years better than the people at the Mayo in EC). She said she didn't want to, she was just going to let it be. I got quiet, didn't feel like chatting, made it a short call.

What to do?

I'm pretty much really really quiet.

Placed a couple of calls with Renee to check in with her, haven't been able to reach her yet.

Dealing with all this procrastination energy. It's like chasing and pinning down an elf to force them to give up their pot of gold or grant a wish. It takes a resolve to not sleep until the task is started, (starting the task is the tough part, almost no cardinal signs in my chart). Finally when drained down, tired and looking for a way to sleep, the mind cooperates, focuses and begins to carve away at the project. Have to get the right music happening too. Part of my ritual before starting a large database, etc., project was to buy some music. A friend from Denmark hooked me up with the Cardigans, which I've gotten a lot of work done to. Music just takes the edge off the back of the mind processes. It occupies a bit of brain energy allowing the creative/work energy to focus. Last database was done to Aimee Allen, she hasn't released her CD yet, so as much as I'd like to support the artist.. duh? I'm thinking her own people released the mp3s to get her circulated. I've told myself tonight is the last night to spend on free stuff and tomorrow I need to plug back into work stuff. So.. well, it's 4 am..... We'll see how it goes. :)

Albert Einstein - November 23, 2003 - Freedom

Amazing how many cool people, love people, and sending forth love and truth on the net. Thanks everyone!

"The true value of a human being can be found in the degree to which he has attained liberation from the self.

The self is a worthless illusion. The value of liberation from the illusion is beyond calculation."
Albert Einstein

Love Einstein, what a great quote!

1st day of skiing of the season.

Ok, Arch angel Michael, please clear all of my chakras, my root chakra, sacral chakra, solar plex chakra, heart chakra, throat chakra, third eye chakra, crown chakra, god's eye chakra, hands and feet chakras, and all my chakras.

Goddess, connect me with Gia.

Goddess, connect me with your perfect ski instructor.

hmm.. I'm part Swiss, part German, part Norwegian, there should be some good downhill skier in my lineage to call from, even that guy that wrote that book, yah that guy, you know what, I asked the goddess for the perfect ski instructor, she can choose.

SKIING DOWN THE CATWALK

"Feel that acceleration, you just sat back on your skis." huh? Ok thanks. (going back to watching the trees pass by, giving the boarder in front of me some space, he's moving slower) hmm this is probably why we created skis, to ski through the mountains looking at the trees :)

SKIING DOWN LOWER BOWL RUN .....oooo this is FUN!

"Feel your feet." huh? Ah ok, thanks

Ahhhh.. It's all so so so beautiful!

"Now start getting on the front of your skis and carve the turn."

huh? Ok, thanks.

So, do I have to lean over the front of my skis?

"No, the front of your skis are the front of your feet. Feel your feet. You can keep your feet under your body and apply the turning pressure to the front pad of your feet."

Wow! This works great!

So is this why it's so important to have boots fitted to feet?

"Yes."

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

(This is what it's like plugged into divine consciousness. I get this incredibly perfect information, stuff I don't know, given to me. This is what I'm talking about when I say perfect guidance.)

Group consciouness, well at least the human common consciousness type, is conditional based conscious, i.e. ego based consciouness, therefore part of the temporary existence. Group consciouness, GC, has it own set of 'If, then' equations. If the Packers win, then we will feel great. Is group consciousness like role playing? The group has it's conditional set, has it's roles.

The thing is GC are powerfully seductive. We are wired to seek the herd, to be part of the herd. Kind of amusing how the human soul was created by making the cattle soul more complex. Like those cows at the wind park in Altamont Pass. The cows were all coming down single file, follow the leader past our site trailer. One of the guys showed me this trick. He pulled a sling shot and pelted the third cow back. That cow jumped to the right and continued following the cow in front. Each cow in the line, jumped to the right when they hit that spot. Hilarious at the time.

Pro: Feel great rush of invested emotion in game.
Con: Hard to unplug from. So pissed, and it's lingering, looking at taking a walk to cool off. Mom called, I was not going to call, too pissed, and talking with another member of this consciousness helped dissipate the anger.

Ok, still existing in short temper land, lets see if walking and merging with humans at store release the Packer fan group energy. :)

Being exist at a higher level than thinking.

Ok, been watching a movie, mind resets to zero point, joyfulness, body temp is .6 degrees below normal. Will continue to monitor.

So far, been keeping consciouness in computer work today. Not tuning into the huge joy. Checked body temp, finally is up to normal 98.6, will ramp up the joy and see if temp lowers. 'Superconductor' low temp=high eff energy transfer

Harnessing the energy of the abyss. Perhaps only the addicts and the suicidels can unite in the melancholy, isolated, rarefied feeling.

It's like moth to the flame, romancing the abyss, yet knowing it's so dangerous, it's path leads to death.

The abyss whispers, "no one knows how you feel, you stand seperate of the herd, they can't possibly know." It's a huge ego boost. It feels like once the abyss has had it's touch on my being, was my lover, that it always has a present access to my conciousness.

Once in an airport, having pulled an all nighter, my mind flipped into the abyss. April, startled, said 'whoa, where did you go? Come back!' Odd, people do not seem to sense channeling love, but they immediatly sense channeling darkness.

! CW iM 15055[150:55]>
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