Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Depression - Passion
I am a passionate person. I may seem laid back.. hehe or not ... I'll have to ask someone near me. I am a double fire sign with a water moon. Sagittarius, Leo rising, Pisces moon, for those who know, catch this my Uranus is almost on top of my rising sign, again for those who know. :)
Anyway, I have this current theory about depression. Jung said of alcoholisms that it is a spiritual disease. That those with a keen spiritual center, when that center of their beingness is not being cared for, turn to alcohol to fill the hole.
I find that I run often with one foot on the gas and one foot on the break.
I'll get this idea, "do 'whatever'." Then as I turn to do 'whatever' another thought comes in and says, "well don't do 'whatever' now, do it at the end of the day so you can get this other thing done instead."
Huh?
If I ran my car like that not only would it be start and stop I'd burn my breaks up. It's not good, I know that for certain because our drivers ed teacher in high school told us. ;)
Anyway, I'll get this first thought 'do' then this second thought 'don't do'. Then I just stand there paused.
Now, if I don't filter my action through my thinking process I am faster, have complete confidence and often time a mastery that I know is not attached to my thinking mind. Plus it's a total rush. It's like free falling.
Conversely, if I get a thought 'do this' and I listen to the second thought of 'you can't do this, or don't do this' and I stop myself I feel a little sadness. If I do it constantly I feel a depression.
Ok, here's my current theory. I have energy flowing through me (double fire sign) which if I'm using it I'm feeling great. If I keep stifling it, I'm thinking the energy is still there, only it's going down below the surface and flowing upwards the emotions of depression. I see it like riding the back of a dolphin. When I say, 'yes' to what I would like to do, the dolphin carries me full speed joyously at the surface of the water. When I say 'no' repeatedly to what I would like to do, the dolphin dives under the water, still full speed, but now drowning.
Remember the spice worm riders of Dune? It's like that.
After 10 years with a guru and then a control freak business partner and her husband running my life for another 2 on top the 10 I was at the suicide point. There was just too much pain. During those 12 years I was saying 'no' to myself over and over and over. The dolphin was racing us full speed underwater and I could finally hold on no longer and lost all my energy. Well, that's another story... aka beware the guru.
Ok, love ya, catch ya, bye!
Anyway, I have this current theory about depression. Jung said of alcoholisms that it is a spiritual disease. That those with a keen spiritual center, when that center of their beingness is not being cared for, turn to alcohol to fill the hole.
I find that I run often with one foot on the gas and one foot on the break.
I'll get this idea, "do 'whatever'." Then as I turn to do 'whatever' another thought comes in and says, "well don't do 'whatever' now, do it at the end of the day so you can get this other thing done instead."
Huh?
If I ran my car like that not only would it be start and stop I'd burn my breaks up. It's not good, I know that for certain because our drivers ed teacher in high school told us. ;)
Anyway, I'll get this first thought 'do' then this second thought 'don't do'. Then I just stand there paused.
Now, if I don't filter my action through my thinking process I am faster, have complete confidence and often time a mastery that I know is not attached to my thinking mind. Plus it's a total rush. It's like free falling.
Conversely, if I get a thought 'do this' and I listen to the second thought of 'you can't do this, or don't do this' and I stop myself I feel a little sadness. If I do it constantly I feel a depression.
Ok, here's my current theory. I have energy flowing through me (double fire sign) which if I'm using it I'm feeling great. If I keep stifling it, I'm thinking the energy is still there, only it's going down below the surface and flowing upwards the emotions of depression. I see it like riding the back of a dolphin. When I say, 'yes' to what I would like to do, the dolphin carries me full speed joyously at the surface of the water. When I say 'no' repeatedly to what I would like to do, the dolphin dives under the water, still full speed, but now drowning.
Remember the spice worm riders of Dune? It's like that.
After 10 years with a guru and then a control freak business partner and her husband running my life for another 2 on top the 10 I was at the suicide point. There was just too much pain. During those 12 years I was saying 'no' to myself over and over and over. The dolphin was racing us full speed underwater and I could finally hold on no longer and lost all my energy. Well, that's another story... aka beware the guru.
Ok, love ya, catch ya, bye!
