Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Sad
Not certain why. Just sad. The Joy is still there, only its very quiet, very background. Been tossing out possible factors. 6 hours sleep, little food to eat so far, was hoping the food stamps would happen, they didn't, looked in paper at work ads - dismal, read the calendar on the Chabad.org web site, other than one invoice to write no signs yet of money coming in so could be inner child is feeling neglected. Doesn't feel like it though. Feels like there is some cosmic sadness in the mix today. Ok, don't think it's my sadness, think it's cosmic. However... I am looking at a folder that says Justice Court, another that says Credit Collections, a third that says Bankruptcy, a fourth that says Food Stamps. ... Think I'll file those folders away. :)
Starting on Sunday I was getting the thought, stop planning for failing, start planning for success. Time to switch gears. Been reading this book on the Shadow self. Really good book, it's been on my shelf for 2 years and I just started it. So, looking at past behaviors, I've decided to start speaking out for myself and to start looking well off instead of looking grunge.
What I decided as a kid was it was not safe to speak up. I'm figuring that no longer benefits me, so I'm changing it.
Also as a kid, dad had to hide money all the time, the Treasure Agents are alerted to signs of wealth, so my father would flush money on these great spontaneous vacations and would have people hold money for him. I noticed that I picked up that behavior. The fact that my Navajo friends on the Reservation give me their hand-me-downs testifies to that.
It looks like the bankruptcy isn't a good option. The 'trustee' would want my business, possibly my mothers wedding ring, and my rights to inherit a third of mom's house, oh ya, and mom's old ski boat. I'm not messing with my mom's stuff just to get me out of debt. These guys are saying stuff about how many years it will take me to get out of debt. What I didn't mention to them was when I helped liquidate World Com and made 40K in 6 hours.
Since bankruptcy isn't the answer and since food stamps doesn't seem to be appearing, then the whole, I'm freaking poor help me the freak out, doesn't seem to be working for me. So, time to hit the other side of the equation, time to start making some money.
The thing that is different now, is that my only goal is to stay holding the hand of the Divine. The world of Appearance is not a safe place for my emotional self. The only place for my emotional self, is holding the hand of the Divine. What ever happens, what ever things appear to look like, only the Eternal is Trustworthy.
Love ya, catch ya, bye!
Starting on Sunday I was getting the thought, stop planning for failing, start planning for success. Time to switch gears. Been reading this book on the Shadow self. Really good book, it's been on my shelf for 2 years and I just started it. So, looking at past behaviors, I've decided to start speaking out for myself and to start looking well off instead of looking grunge.
What I decided as a kid was it was not safe to speak up. I'm figuring that no longer benefits me, so I'm changing it.
Also as a kid, dad had to hide money all the time, the Treasure Agents are alerted to signs of wealth, so my father would flush money on these great spontaneous vacations and would have people hold money for him. I noticed that I picked up that behavior. The fact that my Navajo friends on the Reservation give me their hand-me-downs testifies to that.
It looks like the bankruptcy isn't a good option. The 'trustee' would want my business, possibly my mothers wedding ring, and my rights to inherit a third of mom's house, oh ya, and mom's old ski boat. I'm not messing with my mom's stuff just to get me out of debt. These guys are saying stuff about how many years it will take me to get out of debt. What I didn't mention to them was when I helped liquidate World Com and made 40K in 6 hours.
Since bankruptcy isn't the answer and since food stamps doesn't seem to be appearing, then the whole, I'm freaking poor help me the freak out, doesn't seem to be working for me. So, time to hit the other side of the equation, time to start making some money.
The thing that is different now, is that my only goal is to stay holding the hand of the Divine. The world of Appearance is not a safe place for my emotional self. The only place for my emotional self, is holding the hand of the Divine. What ever happens, what ever things appear to look like, only the Eternal is Trustworthy.
Love ya, catch ya, bye!
