Thursday, June 09, 2005
Invoice = Wall
I've been psyching myself up to write this invoice for RPI and get paid. The invoice is for work done back in July and August of last year. At the time, I was dealing with the grief over mom's passing. I got myself into this place where I loved helping people and I hated charging for it. During the time I was doing the work I was invoicing them for stuff I had done 2 months earlier. Then once I had enough money to get by with, I started putting off invoicing. Ok, now I need to still pay my rent for this month which was due on the 1st, I have a shut off notice on my electric and I'm still sitting here, stuck, not writing the invoice. Well.. I started with ganking the papers together. I was pep talking myself before I started with 'come on, ya think I can't write an invoice, ya think it's too hard for me? Let me at it!'. Now I'm working on it and now I know why I was putting it off.
It physically HURTS to get this invoice together. It feels like my body is in a vice. There's sharp pain running up and down my back. My neck is crunched. Feels like there are holes venting out my guts with flaming lava.
What the heck is this all about?
It's one thing to feel upset and nervous when delivering an invoice for payment. But hey! I'm in my office, my cats are here, got TiVo in the background, it's all good.
Part of it is this feeling of doom. I didn't keep track of the hours in one place and have to create calendars, sift emails, check my Franklin Planner, and sort through all the written material to find where I was jotting down the hours. Plus I'm a perfectionist.
Maybe, my body is just really sensitive to energy?
I spend time on the futon with the cats watching TiVo and sensing the joy rush. I notice it more deeply in the skin than in organs. So I'll be focused on moving the rush up and down my body, like moving a whirlpool jet up and down my body. I call them ecstasy crunches. Like millions of little joy rush bubbles tickling up and down me.
So, now that I'm facing what part of my mind is yelling DOOM about, perhaps my body is listening to it and responding with constricting everywhere?
Well, it freaking hurts. I'm going to grab some ibruprophin and see about toning down this body feedback.
It physically HURTS to get this invoice together. It feels like my body is in a vice. There's sharp pain running up and down my back. My neck is crunched. Feels like there are holes venting out my guts with flaming lava.
What the heck is this all about?
It's one thing to feel upset and nervous when delivering an invoice for payment. But hey! I'm in my office, my cats are here, got TiVo in the background, it's all good.
Part of it is this feeling of doom. I didn't keep track of the hours in one place and have to create calendars, sift emails, check my Franklin Planner, and sort through all the written material to find where I was jotting down the hours. Plus I'm a perfectionist.
Maybe, my body is just really sensitive to energy?
I spend time on the futon with the cats watching TiVo and sensing the joy rush. I notice it more deeply in the skin than in organs. So I'll be focused on moving the rush up and down my body, like moving a whirlpool jet up and down my body. I call them ecstasy crunches. Like millions of little joy rush bubbles tickling up and down me.
So, now that I'm facing what part of my mind is yelling DOOM about, perhaps my body is listening to it and responding with constricting everywhere?
Well, it freaking hurts. I'm going to grab some ibruprophin and see about toning down this body feedback.
