Mystic musings

I am a passionate person. I may seem laid back.. hehe or not ... I'll have to ask someone near me. I am a double fire sign with a water moon. Sagittarius, Leo rising, Pisces moon, for those who know, catch this my Uranus is almost on top of my rising sign, again for those who know. :)

Anyway, I have this current theory about depression. Jung said of alcoholisms that it is a spiritual disease. That those with a keen spiritual center, when that center of their beingness is not being cared for, turn to alcohol to fill the hole.

I find that I run often with one foot on the gas and one foot on the break.

I'll get this idea, "do 'whatever'." Then as I turn to do 'whatever' another thought comes in and says, "well don't do 'whatever' now, do it at the end of the day so you can get this other thing done instead."

Huh?

If I ran my car like that not only would it be start and stop I'd burn my breaks up. It's not good, I know that for certain because our drivers ed teacher in high school told us. ;)

Anyway, I'll get this first thought 'do' then this second thought 'don't do'. Then I just stand there paused.

Now, if I don't filter my action through my thinking process I am faster, have complete confidence and often time a mastery that I know is not attached to my thinking mind. Plus it's a total rush. It's like free falling.

Conversely, if I get a thought 'do this' and I listen to the second thought of 'you can't do this, or don't do this' and I stop myself I feel a little sadness. If I do it constantly I feel a depression.

Ok, here's my current theory. I have energy flowing through me (double fire sign) which if I'm using it I'm feeling great. If I keep stifling it, I'm thinking the energy is still there, only it's going down below the surface and flowing upwards the emotions of depression. I see it like riding the back of a dolphin. When I say, 'yes' to what I would like to do, the dolphin carries me full speed joyously at the surface of the water. When I say 'no' repeatedly to what I would like to do, the dolphin dives under the water, still full speed, but now drowning.

Remember the spice worm riders of Dune? It's like that.

After 10 years with a guru and then a control freak business partner and her husband running my life for another 2 on top the 10 I was at the suicide point. There was just too much pain. During those 12 years I was saying 'no' to myself over and over and over. The dolphin was racing us full speed underwater and I could finally hold on no longer and lost all my energy. Well, that's another story... aka beware the guru.

Ok, love ya, catch ya, bye!

Ok, this was interesting. When I decided I would focus solely on my inner self, on connecting as my True Self, I felt a sad depressed feeling. (I have been using my feelings as an indicator of where my thoughts are.) So I scan my thoughts to find out what is going on. What I found was that I felt there was no reason to be alive and that the sooner I crossed over the better. Wow. Suddenly I realized I still need goals that support all of what I am. The Body, Mind, Spirit connection. To be my True Self, I need to be my Whole Self. Ok, goals are millionaire, world adventurer, Divine Being. I feel my best with big goals. It's like I'd rather be tired at the end of the day from action then sit on my abilities and just vegetate. It seems odd to me. I am back at the same goals, only now I know they serve my being my True Self.

So here's the deal. I have never really done well with earthly goals. I've been part of MLMs where a person is coached to come up with a big economic goal and I've pretty much floundered. I am more about freedom than I am about possessions. Mostly I keep possessions at a minimum. I like a few quality things. I am pro senient beings and pro planet. I enjoy helping people, life, and the planet, but I am not on fire to do so.

Having mom cross over into the light last year has totally uprooted my focus. The last five years I was focused on mom, on creating an internet based income so I could be anywhere, on studying healing and becoming a Reconnection Healer, talking and sharing with her daily, figuring out what was up with Christianity, working with the Ascended Masters to 'command' a healing, trying to get at least my original powers of telekinesis to start up again, trying to Ascend as fast as I could so I could heal mom.

I think people give people a sense of identity. Mom held an identity for me. I held a 'helping my mom' identity for myself.

Now I'm zip.

So, with all the economic freaking that I was doing lately, the garnishment, food stamps, bankruptcy, counting of the Omar, red string stuff I got slammed into the center of my stream. I was looking at the duality in my mind. The inner calm connected to the Divine, which I'm visualizing as a small girl holding the hand of the Divine. And the ego torturing me with fear.

It dawned on me that there is only ONE thing that I am required to complete before I die. And that is ONENESS. Oneness with the Divine. I'm typing right now and I can feel the Divine, I am holding the hand of the Divine. The unconditional joy is right here pumping from my heart filling me. I've been given so much. So many experiences, so many realizations, so many awarnesses. I'm thinking that when I die the question given to me will not be, did you pay your rent? It will be, "DID YOU EXIST AS YOUR TRUE SELF?"

I don't know when I will die. Maybe tonight? Maybe Monday? Maybe in 80 years? So you know what? I better get to being my true self. It's my only goal.

The world of appearances comes and goes only the eternal world stays. The eternal world is where the unconditional happiness is anchored in. It's my guide and my rope. Time to climb.

Last night, I am chasing around behind Finn, (my boy cat), to bring him inside.

It was his first time outside without a leash starting right at the door, day before he was off leash for a couple of minutes after being carried down to our BBQ/Garden.

Finn managed to get across the street and started darting down in the little creek/street culvert area. I asked the Divine to PLEASE have Finn come to me, it was getting dark and being charcoal he really blends in to the night.

Wham! Some kind of electric pop went across the base of the back of my skull. Wow, that got my attention. The thought started echoing like a low voice in my mind. "Finn, you need to come to me now." Finn jumps out from the creek bushes and comes up to me and his sister hanging out on the boulders. He works his way behind me and I snatch and grab, up into my arms he goes.

Thank you Goddess, thank you, thank you, thank you.

What is it with that electric charge thing? I've had them before. It's like this huge electric zap. When I get them lying down, I figure I pinched a nerve or something. When I get them standing still.... well I figure it's not a pinched nerve... but what is it?

So Saturday I took off the Red Thread from Rachel's Tomb my wrist. I had it tied on with a square knot. I put it on just before Passover and since then I've had this feeling of wanting to tear it off with my teeth. I'd wake up wanting to gnaw it off like an animal caught in a trap.

Saturday while in the bathtub the red string was finally loose enough to slide it over my hand and slip it off. Wow. I instantly felt better. My heart felt light and I was bubbly all over with Joy.

Curious I started holding it in my left hand and seeing what happened. It was like some kind of liquid of sadness, heaviness, was flowing down my wrist and making something like a liquid plastic barrier over my heart. Ok.. remove it again. Voila!, back to light and happy. Hold it in my right hand. Again, like this opaque liquid density flowing down my arm and covering my heart. Again I felt somber. Removed the red string. Voila! Back to Lightness and Joy. Now it's off and in the kitchen cupboard. I'm thinking of burning it. I have one more red string in it's box in my bedroom... hmm... wonder if I need to move it or if it's neutral while in the box?

Not certain why. Just sad. The Joy is still there, only its very quiet, very background. Been tossing out possible factors. 6 hours sleep, little food to eat so far, was hoping the food stamps would happen, they didn't, looked in paper at work ads - dismal, read the calendar on the Chabad.org web site, other than one invoice to write no signs yet of money coming in so could be inner child is feeling neglected. Doesn't feel like it though. Feels like there is some cosmic sadness in the mix today. Ok, don't think it's my sadness, think it's cosmic. However... I am looking at a folder that says Justice Court, another that says Credit Collections, a third that says Bankruptcy, a fourth that says Food Stamps. ... Think I'll file those folders away. :)

Starting on Sunday I was getting the thought, stop planning for failing, start planning for success. Time to switch gears. Been reading this book on the Shadow self. Really good book, it's been on my shelf for 2 years and I just started it. So, looking at past behaviors, I've decided to start speaking out for myself and to start looking well off instead of looking grunge.

What I decided as a kid was it was not safe to speak up. I'm figuring that no longer benefits me, so I'm changing it.

Also as a kid, dad had to hide money all the time, the Treasure Agents are alerted to signs of wealth, so my father would flush money on these great spontaneous vacations and would have people hold money for him. I noticed that I picked up that behavior. The fact that my Navajo friends on the Reservation give me their hand-me-downs testifies to that.

It looks like the bankruptcy isn't a good option. The 'trustee' would want my business, possibly my mothers wedding ring, and my rights to inherit a third of mom's house, oh ya, and mom's old ski boat. I'm not messing with my mom's stuff just to get me out of debt. These guys are saying stuff about how many years it will take me to get out of debt. What I didn't mention to them was when I helped liquidate World Com and made 40K in 6 hours.

Since bankruptcy isn't the answer and since food stamps doesn't seem to be appearing, then the whole, I'm freaking poor help me the freak out, doesn't seem to be working for me. So, time to hit the other side of the equation, time to start making some money.

The thing that is different now, is that my only goal is to stay holding the hand of the Divine. The world of Appearance is not a safe place for my emotional self. The only place for my emotional self, is holding the hand of the Divine. What ever happens, what ever things appear to look like, only the Eternal is Trustworthy.

Love ya, catch ya, bye!